Bloody Barmy Army

We spent Monday 4th January 2010, at Newlands Cricket Ground in Cape Town to watch the second day, of the third test match between South Africa and England. A very interesting day it was too, don't get me wrong despite my new found love of cricket, test cricket I can still confirm is like watching paint dry, except of course you can get a sun tan and drink beer whilst you are doing it, so its not all bad. No, the interesting thing was we found ourselves on the grass bank and right in the middle of the world famous "Barmy Army".

After just an hour in the company of this group of men and women I was feeling much happier with myself and life in general for now I felt slim, athletic, well dressed and I was satisfied that I was clearly a courteous, polite and politically correct person. What a rabble this lot was, over weight, massive beer bellies, and from what I saw there was no noticeable difference between the sexes of the "Barmy Army". Their tacky T-shirts looked as though they had been lived in 24 hours a day since the time they received them through the post 2 weeks before setting off for South Africa. Their shorts showed and alarming amount of something my wife called "bricklayers crack", I am sure you will know what she means, and again there was no noticeable difference between the sexes here either.

Yes they were humorous, but their humour was based upon insulting everyone and being confrontational rather that offering the hand of friendship through sport. It is perhaps best to imagine English football fans on a course of happy pills, that’s the “Barmy Army”.

Then as the sun continued to beat down and the beer started to run out, up stepped the spiritual leader of the "Barmy Army", someone called Jimmy and indeed looked a lot like Jimmy Saville. Donned in a white T Shirt bearing a large George Cross and an oversized felt top hat, again white with a large George cross he waved his union jack and lead the army in an exchange of chants.

Jimmy shouted, "Everywhere we go" the army replied, "Everywhere we go"

Jimmy shouted, "The people want to know" the army repeated him. Jimmy shouted, "Who are we" again the army repeated his call. Jimmy shouted "Where we come from" again the army repeated him. Jimmy shouted "Shall we tell them" the army by now were on their feet and approaching frenzy level as they repeated Jimmy's words. Jimmy shouted, "who we are" the army repeated, Jimmy shouted "Where we come from" the army jumping and waving their arms repeated Jimmy's words. Jimmy shouted, "We are the England" an almighty roar went up from the army as they repeated Jimmy's words. Jimmy shouted "The mighty, mighty England" as the crowd roared and repeated him.

I could see errors in their tribute to the English team, firstly its grammatically incorrect, then its factually incorrect as its the English and Welsh Cricket Team and nationally its incorrect as over a quarter of the so called English team are in fact South Africa rejects.

The best however was yet to come, as Jimmy shouted, "We are the army" which was by now, as I am sure you have guessed was repeated by the army. Jimmy then shouted "The Barmy, Barmy Army" which was again repeated and was the launch pad for the army to start a continuous chant "Barmy Army, Barmy Army, Barmy Army". Which they managed to maintain for a full 90 seconds before they slipped out of sequence, lost all rhythm and cohesion and became a drunken mob jigging around like court jesters on speed.

There was another song they tried to sing which contained the lines, "we travel near and far, when we we're not singing, you'll find us at the bar". You know I do think this lot should get together with Lady Gaga, they could spend hours exchanging lyric's and as Jimmy Saville would say, "how's about that then", but I suspect he meant something quiet, quiet different, as we have now found out to the surprise of all of us, yeah right.